Saturday, May 19, 2007

More Top Tips

It's only been a week since my post on bar room etiquette, but I've experienced many more terrible pub errors in the last seven days and I feel compelled to share them with you. Here's what some of my customers have been up to and the consequences of their actions.
People still amaze me.

1: Don't pretend that you're going to buy the pub, wind everyone up and then piss in the sink in the gents. Ejected!

2: Don't go on a pub crawl, play drinking games and then wind your friend up so much that he punches you in the face. Ejected!

3: If I have expressed concerns over whether you should have any more to drink but reluctantly served you a Westons, do not look me square in the eye and say "can I have a f**king glass". Oh, you best believe he got Ejected!

I hadn't planned on carrying on the pub rants but there's just so much to tell, I suspect that this topic may come up again.

On a side note, I've also been gardening this week (remember, job not hobby), but I had a slightly different job to do compared to normal. A load of gravel had been delivered and I had to shovel it all out onto the driveway to resurface it. When I say "a load of gravel" I mean a lot. Six tons to be precise. Man, that was some hard work, it took hours. And to make it even more interesting I accidentally disturbed a nearby bee's nest and had to keep one eye on that too. Good times.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Don't do what Donny Don't does.

Did you see it, did you see it? I was on the telly last night! Everyone did a big cheer when my face appeared for my three seconds of fame. There were also a couple of good shots of the inside and outside of the pub as well. It was pretty exciting. George made it on too, wandering around behind the presenters when they were doing a piece to camera, and everyone did another big cheer. I've had a taste of fame people, and let me tell you, it was well moreish!

It was a good end to the day because I'd been having a bit of a rubbish shift at work. I love working at the pub, but sometimes you can't help but get in a bit of a bad mood. You know what it's like, when every little thing really bothers you. When it seems like someone has written down a list of all your pet hates, photocopied it and secretly distributed it to everyone around you with instructions to pick a few and just go nuts. It's a hazard of all jobs in public service, a hazard of daily life in fact, but when alcohol's involved it seems to get turned up a notch. A whole notch. So, in the interests of good karma and the smooth running of pubs everywhere, I give you my top tips on how not to order your drinks.

1: Don't order a drink and then wander off to the toilet or something whilst it's being poured. It only takes about 10 seconds to pour a pint.

2: Don't order a round and then ask for a Guinness right at the end. Everyone knows it needs time to settle.

3: Don't stand at the bar waiting to be served only to turn around and try to figure out what your 12 mates want when it's your turn. I could be serving other people while you're doing that.

4: Don't assume you can pay by card. Ask first and carry cash.

4b: When told "we don't take cards" do not say "not at all?". What does that mean!? "Oh, yeah, we take cards a little bit. "

5: Don't order your drinks one at a time or twenty in one breath. I am neither a moron nor a robot.

Well there's five hot tips for you. I'd better leave it at that or I run the risk of sounding like a right moaner and having to give up my 'good natured' mantle. Feel free to comment if you think I've omitted anything that the people need to know. It doesn't have to be specifically pub related, just to do with serving the public. We've all got to learn.

P.s. Whatever you do, do not combine any of the above bar room errors. That would be like crossing the beams in Ghostbusters. Do not cross the beams!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Keeping Busy

Good natured slacker has been extremely slack with regards to blogging lately. But in my defense I have been slightly less slack in other areas of my life. Mostly I have been working harder, doing more shifts at the pub and a bit more gardening. I should point out at this time that gardening is one of my jobs, not a hobby. People often seem surprised when I say I've been gardening all day. I guess the confusion lies in me being so specific. Anyone else would just say they'd been at work. They wouldn't say that they'd spent the day phoning strangers and trying to part them from their money, or that for the last nine hours they'd sat at a desk moving figures from one column to another. "I've been at work", that pretty much covers it.

Anyway, having a little more money is nice and it makes the approach of rent day a little easier to bare. It's also nice to be a bit more productive with my time. Getting up at three every day and sitting around watching crappy daytime tv in my pants until it's time for work can become strangely unsatisfying after a while. Hard to believe I know, but it's true. You start off trying to find decent programming to watch, but the channels available on freeview don't make it an easy job. A bit of Judge Judy, maybe a couple of episodes of Quincy, you start off thinking it won't be too bad. But soon, with all the repeats, finding shows you actually want to watch becomes more and more difficult. You just can't stand to watch another episode from season one of Scrubs, and the thought of Jeremy Kyle's smug face makes you want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow. So, inevitably, your standards begin to slip. Shows you had previously rejected, deeming unwatchable, start to seem more appealing. Until, one day, you find yourself sitting slack jawed before a back to back Hope and Faith marathon, trying to remember what you used to do with your time.

Well, things have changed for me, and so far it's working out quite nicely. A guy I know called Moz recently told me he was trying to write a comic book, and our mutual friend Marc had told him I was into comics and that I liked to draw. So he asked if I would be interested in having a go at illustrating it for him and I said yes. It's all very exciting, but I'll go into more detail at another time.

On Thursday afternoon Channel 4 filmed part of an interview with The Young Knives at the pub. It was about their favorite places to go in Oxford, so of course The Star was first on the list. I got to be in it briefly, playing the role of barman. It was the part I was born to play. Whether they will use any of the parts with me in on the actual show I couldn't say, I just hope I don't look like too much of an idiot. It's going to be on tv on Friday night on 4. Transmission, I think it's called. They filmed the rest of the show at the old bingo hall at the end of my road, Queen's of the Stone Age and Foals both played so it should be really good.

I have to get ready to go to work now, but there's just time to say that I went to see Spiderman 3 last night and it was freakin' awesome. Sandman, good. Venom, good. Spidey, goooood! Can't wait 'til it comes out on DVD and I can make Han watch all 3 of them with me in one sitting. Are you reading this Han? Go nerds! GO NERDS!!!