you have been invited to join the justice squadron

Please meet at the municipal building of vengeance on Monday morning, 9:00 am sharp.

I started jury duty on Monday. Obviously my reputation as a master crime solver, up there with the likes of Batman and Sherlock Holmes, has preceded me. I was therefore hand selected as an essential candidate to take part in our fair city's war on crime. My many hours spent watching CSI and reading detective stories are now unarguably well spent.

Now unfortunately I won't be able to go into any gory details about any cases, not because I've sworn an oath not to but because nothing has happened. I arrived at ten to nine on Monday morning feeling rather nervous but also quite excited. There followed an induction and role call which lasted about an hour and then at 10 am my group were told our trial would begin at 2 pm. Four hours to kill. I read for an hour and a half, strolled round town for an hour and ate a sandwich and then returned to read for another hour. Then I read some more. Then at quarter to three we were lead to a small room adjoining the courtroom where we waited for another 45 minutes. Finally we were ushered into the courtroom where we took a seat, briefly watched the defendant argue with his counsel and then were ushered out again one minute later. Then after a further 45 minute wait we were sent home. Day 1 over.

On Tuesday morning I arrived for 9:45, as instructed. This was in readiness for a 10 o'clock case. I then sat and read until 12:15 when we were lead once more to the small room adjoining the court. Then 45 minutes later we were sent home again. I stopped by the pub to say hi on the way home and when Rob asked me why I wasn't in court I informed him that crime had taken the afternoon off.

Jury duty is supposed to last about two weeks, that's how long they tell you to prepare to be off work for, and that's how long I booked off work. When I rang the information line on Tuesday evening I was told I wouldn't be needed the next day. Then when I rang again on Wednesday I was told that my jury service was completed due to the Easter holiday. I took 2 weeks off work and my service was completed in a day and a half, only one minute of which was actually spent in a courtroom. I don't really know what to make of all that.

I never actually got sworn in, but when you do you can either swear on a holy book or you can make an affirmation if you aren't religious. I was surprised by the number of people who actually wanted to swear on the bible, it made me want to see if I could swear on a copy of Lord of the Rings. Han's got a very handsome leather bound edition that would have looked right at home in the courtroom. But the judge probably wouldn't have accepted an oath sworn by almighty Gandalf.

Anyway, that's it... all over with. It's kind of a shame that I didn't actually get to take part in a trial, I'm sure it would have been very interesting, and probably quite satisfying too. But on the up side it's my birthday on Monday and now that I don't have anything to do I can concentrate on celebrating in style, by which I mean getting boozed up. I'm going to be 30 years old by the way, eeeek!

spaceman

Here's a painting I finished the other day. I keep saying I'd like to be an illustrator (when I grow up), but I never seem to see any pictures through from beginning to end. No way to go about getting a portfolio together. Anyway, ta-da!

He's a spaceman of some sort and although he's not perfect I'm pretty pleased with him. He's painted with some really nice water colours I got off Han for Christmas.

What's next? Don't know, but I do hope to start posting more pictures.

backlog

I've done it again, left it ages between blogs and forgotten how to write. Also, thinking back over the last 6 weeks or so since my last post it seems as though nothing has happened. Well, a few things have happened.

I had a chest infection for a while. That was pretty lame. Everything ached, I had a raging temperature and my nights were filled with fevered nightmares. Han said it was like sleeping next to a giant, boiling hot eel as I spent all night sweating and thrashing around. Good times.

Axl asked me to do a guest blog for the Potato Farm so I drew him a little comic which turned out pretty nice. You can see it here.

I've been watching lots of tv shows on the internet too, American shows that we don't get over here. My favourite of the lot is called Pushing Daisies. It's about a pie maker who can bring the dead back to life just by touching them. However, if he touches them again they die again forever. But if he lets them stay alive for more than a minute then something else has to die instead. He makes the most of this ability by touching murder victims, asking who killed them, touching them again and claiming the reward. Its a black comedy with a strong Tim Burton influence and well worth a watch.

Finally, I've been doing a bit of Christmas shopping. I've left it all late again like I do every year, I never learn. I even went into town at the start of the month and saw a load of things I wanted to buy for presents, but then I thought to myself that I'd buy them another time and came home empty handed. I don't know why I do that. Mental problems or something I expect. Anyway, that's it. Merry Christmas and that.

Mini Rant

Remember my rants about customers from a few months back? I've got another one.

It was the big fireworks display in South Park last night and that means one thing (apart from fireworks). Several hundred people simultaneously thinking "hmmm, what shall I do now? Oh I know, I'll go to the nearest pub, no one else will think of that." So off they trot, en masse, straight to our front door. So it went from being dead to absolutely packed in about five minutes, and the idiot ratio got bumped right up. Example:

Idiot: Busy isn't it!
Me: It is now.
Idiot: That'll be the fireworks.
Me:Yes...I know.
Idiot: Pint of cold Guinness when you're ready.

You will notice that Idiot has cleverly engaged me in conversation here so as to slip his order in at the end of our exchange, thus avoiding having to wait his turn. Also, I hate it when people say "when you're ready". I quickly look around to see if there is someone else I can serve, there is not, so I start pouring his Guinness. I am standing right in front of him at this time and he can clearly see me pouring his pint.

Me: Anything else?
Idiot: (to idiot wife) Tell him what you want.
Idiot Wife: A Fosters and a Guinness.

I pour a Fosters and another Guinness. They watch me pour them.

Me: That's £8.95 please.
Idiot: You know we only wanted one Guinness, right?
Me: Oh yes, of course. That's why I poured two Guinness and rang them through the till. Of course when you ordered two Guinness I knew you only wanted one, it was perfectly obvious to me because I am a freaking mind reader. You shouldn't have to worry about making your orders clear, let me work it out for you. etc etc.

Anyway, enough ranting, other stuff has happened too.

A couple of days ago I was walking down Cowley Road when I saw three students standing around outside the Classic Liquor and Deli looking down at a two litre bottle of Coke in a puddle. I wondered what they were doing. As I got closer I understood the great tragedy that had befallen them. One of them had dropped the bag with their bottle of cheap vodka in and it had smashed on the floor, and as if that wasn't bad enough one the shards of glass had punctured the coke bottle and it was spraying out into the road. Oh dear, no booze for you tonight lads.

Good news as well. Videosyncratic are now selling comics. I went and bought Watchmen the other week, a highly regarded graphic novel from the 80's which I should have read years ago but didn't. It was really good. You should probably read it. And you should spend some money at Videosyncratic.

I'm going now. It's time for a spot of B and E. Bacon and eggs! woo hoo.

I AM IRONMAN!

Just saw the trailer for the new Ironman movie on the apple trailers site. It actually looks pretty good. Robert Downey Jr plays alcoholic, billionaire, weapons manufacturing, genius, playboy Tony Stark in the film which is coming out next May. The gist of it is that Stark is off visiting troops and doing a bit of sales patter when he is kidnapped by terrorists and forced to build them a missile. Probably some fancy missile I guess, as the regular kind are apparently not that difficult to come by. Anyhow, in the classic A-team/McGuyver style of baddies not fully appreciating their captives superior skills, he is locked away in a room full of goodies and told to get to work. Which of course he does, but not in the way he was supposed to. Instead he builds himself a badass suit of mechanical armour and proceeds to make everyone very sorry that they messed with him. Oh, and half way through 'Ironman' by Black Sabbath kicks in and takes things up a notch. All in all, a good start. I'm looking forward to seeing it.

While we're on the subject there's a trailer for the next Batman movie out as well. But this one doesn't have any action, just voiceovers. So instead of watching that you should go and check out Batman: Dead End. This is a short movie made by a fan a few years ago on next to no budget. Luckily, though, he was working in the special effects/props department of a movie studio at the time and was able to 'borrow' a few items on the sly when everyone went home for the night. That's how he was able to write a few special guest stars into his story. It's very faithful to the Batman that comic readers love and manages to put the Schumacher films to shame in only 8 minutes. Go watch it!

Fingers Crossed

I heard a rumour the other day, a very exciting rumour. I heard that Videosyncratic on Cowley Road were thinking about branching out into comics. As you may know it's been about 7 months since Comic Showcase shut down on St Clements and my supply dried up. I've bought a few off the internet, but it's just not the same as browsing the shelves and flicking through the pages to see what looks good.

Anyway, a rumour is just a rumour, I needed hard fact. So when a couple of guys from the store came into the pub yesterday I seized my chance and asked them. They seemed surprised that I'd heard about it but were pleased that I was so excited. It's not a definite yet, but they're giving it some serious consideration. Score! Though this does of course mean I'll be waving bye bye to any spare cash I might have. Perhaps I can persuade other people to start buying comics, then I can read them. Yeah. We'll form some sort of nerd club, only we won't talk about about it, that'll be the first rule. I know plenty of semi nerds, they 'll only need a little gentle coaxing, then I can welcome them to the dork side. (Rubs hands together in a sinister manner.)

Seriously though, if they go ahead with selling comics I hope they get plenty of support from the locals and all the people who used to shop at Comic Showcase. This is just the sort of business venture that keeps Cowley Road interesting. Videosyncratic, I salute you! And I urge everyone to go spend some money there.

The Sunday Spesh

The Slacker's Sundays are normally a finely honed exercise in relaxation and effort conservation. Because it's the only day I don't work I use it as an opportunity to be as lazy as possible. I rise at around twelve, get the kettle on for the first of many cups of tea and get on the internet. Oh, and I spend most of the day in my "leisure suit", aka my pants and maybe a vest. Sweet. Then I sit at the computer 'til about seven when Han gets home and turfs me off. At this time I like to adjourn to the sofa where I spend the rest of the evening watching crime (CSI) on the telly and eating some kind of delicious dinner. But this Sunday was a little different.

People who know me well know that my tiny ears are constantly on alert, listening out for a certain combination of words, certain magical words, and last week I heard them. "All you can eat", "Chinese", "buffet", and they were accompanied by another favourite, "cheap".

Lee Wainwright is heading off to Australia, so Rob, Rhyannon, Sam and I joined him at Oxy Oriental for a farewell feast. Man, it was good. I love a chinese buffet, to me they are an exercise in glorious gluttony, but I always get anxious that I'm not going to be able to do it justice. I started out strongly, with a plate loaded high with just about everything, and ploughed my way through it in no time. No problems so far. Then I went back for my second plate, stacked it up just like the first and started to go to work on it. Then halfway through I started to get the fear. I'd overloaded plate number two. "A buffet isn't a sprint" I thought, scolding myself, "it's a marathon, a test of endurance that needs to be treated with respect." Another problem was the potato that seemed to have been added to the chicken curry, this too was throwing me off my stride.

I slowly worked my way through my plate and when I'd finished I took five minutes to relax and compose myself. Now I was ready for more. A plate of spare ribs this time. Delicious, and as I neared the end of this plate I started to get my second wind. Sweet! This time I hit the Teppan-yaki grill. The guy working the hot plate put on quite a show and the resulting plate of steaming meat and noodles was awesome. Not wanting to appear too greedy I followed this up with just a couple of bowls of ice cream and called it a day. Full, but not too full. Then we left the restaurant and piled into Lee's boiling hot car for the ride back to the Star.

On our return it seemed that everyone wanted to watch the match. Not being a football fan I didn't much feel like joining them so I found myself at a bit of a loose end. Then, right on cue, Darren arrived with his fishing rod to see if anyone wanted to join him in an afternoon's fishing. Perfect. We set off with high hopes of a repeat of his marginal success on "boat trip". When I say marginal I don't mean to downplay Darren's skills, but he would be the first admit that things hadn't gone entirely the way he had hoped. He was the only one to catch a fish, which, unfortunately, escaped as four pairs of hands feverishly grabbed at it to try and get it onto the boat. Not deterred, he carried on fishing for several more hours, eventually landing an eel! Not what he really wanted, but after so much time and effort he was damn sure going to eat somethings flesh. So, after a chilling scene that would not have been out of place in a horror movie, he was left with a tiny fillet of eel. This he fried in a little butter and shared with those of us present, and it was actually pretty tasty. Anyway, we spent a relaxing afternoon by the river but there were no bites. It seems the fish in Oxford's rivers are too good for tinned hot dog and sweetcorn.

To top off an already pretty sweet day, Han and I stopped off at the Oriental foodstore on the way home so she could top up her supplies of tofu chunks and pak choi which had been falling dangerously low. I wasn't planning on buying anything but I thought I'd have a mooch around anyway, and I was glad I did. I got a whole rack of ribs, about a foot and a half long, for £3.15. It was like a big meaty xylophone. What a bargain, and they were well tasty. So my day ended with me scoffing more ribs, sinking a couple of frosty brews and watching CSI, Heroes and Unbreakable on T.V. That's the beauty of simple pleasures, it's really easy to have a good time. Lucky me!